Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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