My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
