Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
