Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
