Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
