I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
