You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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