words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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