I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
