I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
