and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Come share oat with me in your robe
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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