so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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