just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
