Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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