You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
