If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
