I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
