My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
