Sry I called you an 8
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
