Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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