Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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