dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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