you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You work out of a Hotel?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
