Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
