ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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