yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
