He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
