ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
