My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
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