how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i now understand why vodka
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
