How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
