i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I stole a fireplace last night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
