Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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