fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
