you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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