This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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