A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
