You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
