Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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