I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He better not be in your backpack
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
