No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
