My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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