your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
