Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
