if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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