I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
