oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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