i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Randomize
