I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
