Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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