; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Randomize
